I just read a new book by Dr. Ivan Misner, founder of BNI, Who’s in Your Room? This is an excellent read regardless if you like networking or not. It really starts you thinking about the influence of everyone who has been in your life. The fact is they never leave. Once you allow them in your life, they continue to live in your brain forever. We are all influenced good, bad or indifferent by everyone we allow to spend time with us forever. We all have had people that still have an effect on us even since childhood.
I started pondering where some of my beliefs came from and every one of them can be traced to a person. For example, I had a third grade math teacher, Mrs. Chamberlain that had a unique way to keeping me focused. When doing math problems, if I looked around or even seemed distracted, she would walk up behind me and pop me in the head with her really fat red pen. Sometimes it left a small knot on my head with my 1971 “crew cut”. If I were caught talking or goofing off, I would be paddled with her “baby blue” paddle with 10 holes drilled in it to leave a mark in front of the whole class. I was brought up that boys do not cry, but she hit so hard water shot from my eyes, but I didn’t dare cry. Today kids get medicated for ADD and she would probably be arrested for abuse, but in the early 1970s this was standard practice. Mrs. Chamberlain’s influence is still in my head today. I still get angry if I see someone not paying attention in a training class or meeting. I think, why can they not just focus for hour or two? I guess they never had a third grade teacher quite like Mrs. Chamberlain.
I also know where I got my mental toughness. I can trace this back to my sophomore year in high school football to coaches Mitchell and Stokley. These two were my offensive and defensive line coaches. This was my first year of experiencing “two a days”, which means we had football practice for two and half hours in the morning and then two and half hours in the afternoon in the hot Tennessee sun. What I thought was just pure torture for their pleasure was really teaching me how to push my mind and body to a place I never knew existed. The drills are vivid to this day with “grass drills, monkey rolls, duck walks and 40s” usually to the point of getting physically sick and then being yelled at for getting sick. I know lots of people have been pushed through athletics’ or military training and I know these are really strong individuals because of who was in their life. Life is tough and people that lack mental toughness seem to struggle and fall more than those who have this trait. No one is born with it. Someone had to influence you to get us to learn this important trait.
Think about all of your traits and who the person in your life was that gave you this trait. Some are good and some are bad habits or traits. The next time you have to decide if a certain person is going to be in your life, decide what will be their lasting influence even after they are long gone. Everyone leaves something in our lives, like it or not.
“The quality of your life depends upon who’s in your room (life)”—Dr Ivan Misner
Image by David Castillo Dominici at www.freedigitalphotos.net
Tim Wilhoit is owner/principal of Your Friend 4 Life Insurance Agency in Nashville, TN. He is a family man, father of 3, entrepreneur, insurance agent, life insurance broker, salesman, sales trainer, recruiter, public speaker, blogger and team leader with over 27 years of experience in sales and marketing in the insurance and beverage industries.
Note taken 😉
So very true!
Tim Interesting advice. Issue I have with it is by the time I determine I don’t want someone in my life they are already in my head? Perhaps I need to be more circumspect in letting people into my life but I generally give people the benefit of the doubt.
John, you would really enjoy this book. Dr Misner addresses that very issue with his “Doorman” approach. I don’t want to be a spoiler. I think you will enjoy it. It really made me think the same issue.
Great article Tim
Thank you Tim! I wholeheartedly agree while I have never really thought about it before. I am a fan of Dr. Misner and will read the book.
thanks,
Jeff
Jeff, you won’t be disappointed. It is an easy but thought provoking read.
With all the mind programing going on in todays media & educational system remember, “it is our mind so be careful what you allow to be put into it.” The MK Ultra mind control program appears to be alive and well. Remember some of the lyrics in the Simon and Garfunkel song, Koda Chrom, “when I think back of all the crap I learned in high school, it’s a wonder I can think at all.”
Tim, a great article, thanks!
You have to be willing to “fire” “friends.”
Good article
Very true and overall good article Tim! Thank you for sharing. I know I’m personally intrigued now to read “Who’s In Your Room”. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Joseph, it really made me think about things in a new light. Enjoy!
But then the question is: shouldn’t a friend be someone you can ask to change for the sake of the friendship? Then you would not have to fire them.
Steve, I personally think they should. I believe the problem is no one can change their core. I believe dishonest people will always be dishonest and I believe people of moral value always have morals. I do believe certain things can be changed for the greater good of the friendship, but I also believe leopards don’t change their spots when put under pressure. Just my two cents. Thanks for sharing that great thought.
I enjoyed the book as well and have recommended it to others. It is thought provoking and helpful as both a personal development and self awareness tool.
an interesting piece.
Good read. It really rings true.
Tim: I went to order the book which is sold only on the BNI site and they wanted $10.50 for UPS ground. So the book plus shipping would be $30. I will have to wait.
Thanks,
Jeff
Jeff, I am sorry, I didn’t realize it was not available on Amazon yet. I got mine at a convention. Hang in there I am sure it will be soon.
I always tried to have three key people(sometimes groups) in my life. 1) A mentor, 2) someone in the trenches with me, and 3) someone to mentor/teach. I find it much harder to find the mentor(s) than the other two. That being said, my 2 mentors that helped me the most in my life have passed away. They are very difficult to replace.
What convention did you get it at?
Very nice
Great read. I can point to a handful of people I have let into my life that have had a significant positive impact on who I am. Like you, some go back to the 70’s and those interactions I had then influence me today.
Jeff, the convention was the BNI National held here in Nashville back in April. This next year’s will be in Savannah, GA. Sanjay and Paul, I truly appreciate your kind words and glad you enjoyed it. Paul you have a good “Door Man”, that is key.
BNI is a great resource for agency owners. I helped start 2 groups from scratch. 1 in Lexington, KY & 1 in Franklin, TN [have to start over when you move] Very hard to find an open seat for a P&C agent so starting from scratch was my only option. Lots of work, but well worth it IMO. Some years I rec’d 20% of my new business from Referrals in my group…not a “lead” but a referral. If you haven’t checked out BNI I highly encourage you to do so. Thanks for sharing the book info Tim. Dr. Misner is an amazing person.
Bob, I am in a Franklin TN chapter (Frontliners) for almost 5 years and I am on the Director Team. Which chapter did you start? There are 8 chapters now in just Williamson Co. Small world.
True true true true
Thank you that was a great article one I should print enlarge and hang on fridge
Thanks for the reminders Tim !!!
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You will never to be able to control people, but you will be able to let people control themselves in ways that benefit you. If you tell people what to do, they may not listen to you and will probably resent you. You must get people to do what they want to do, while you influence their control over themselves.
I am just now getting around to reading this post. Glad I did. Loved it. Never really thought about it before but totally agree with it. Now I have to go find the book so I can read it too. I also agree with John Leonard, by the time I realize whose in my room, its too late, they are already in my head, making changes to the quality of my life. It would be nice to catch the ones who are going to make the quality a bit negative, before they actually enter my room!
Joan, you are going to love the book. I don’t want to be a spoiler, but having a good “doorman” to keep the wrong people out is a big part of his book. Thank you for sharing.
fascinating . People from all aspects of your life will leave some impression on your mind unless of course your are Autistic or some derivative of Autism. Ever read the book “Spark” ?
In our game as insurance people we will have an influence on people some times and possibly hopefully for the better. But I think we should not get confused between those people you meet everyday and those that you meet intermittently every month or every 6 months. There is the necessity to bring the element of time and repetition.
I think there is also the requirement to be aware of those who you perceive to be of influence in your life . These people have an energy that they share with others. Con-artists have this ability. Then there are those who are just so darn right boring they have no influence at all and will be quickly forgotten. It comes down to the point of difference and more importantly the Social IQ of the individual.
You talk of the teachers that gave you a hard time. I have one teacher in my mind who thrashed the living day lights out me for giving the wrong answers. To this day I am hard wired to hesitate on giving any answers to questions where my adrenalin is heightened. However from that miserable day forward she never touched me again. I used to day dream a lot but then so did Einstein.
Then I have the memory of three teachers who mentored /cared about my progress and inspired me to achieve without being beaten.
So did the first teacher influence me ? yes in one point from a negative point of view . Another point of view was that rightly or wrongly it stopped me from day dreaming and I concentrated on my work as my father had intended.
Did the other three teachers influence me . Yes . they inspired me with out pain or threat of pain.
I do sometimes wonder though if those people who influence others in a negative manner or by using fear or other tools of personal destruction ever regret their actions.
John, That is a very interesting take. I do believe influence can be from a negative or positive, but if they stay in your “room” long enough they will leave their influence. Thank you for sharing, I find your comment very interesting.
John, I like your post because while many focus on those that have had a positive influence on their life, I have an excellent memory and seem to remember everyone – good and bad. For example, referring someone to a trusted colleague and the referral goes terribly wrong. That person will pop into my head at the most unusual times. I really like the concept of being cautious about who you let in.
Jeff . Looking at your profile your providing a service to our insurance industry.
People who provide services and products to us do so for probably three principle reasons
1)the effective and efficient in what they do 2) they have the right personality mix with us 3)they share in the same understated values.
With me I like to network and refer people that I deal with on to others but I dont need to be a member of a BNI group . I have some challenges in regards to this organisation but that’s a another subject.
I think the difference is that not all people are influencers and they have no desire to be one. To be an influencer takes a certain skill and personality and a book written called “Positive Linking ” written by Kaufmann who also won the Noble Prize for economics came up with Behavioural Economics defines different types of influencers including Mavericks
But influencers come in all shapes and sizes but its up to the individual to identify them as such and the manner in which the person influences groups or other individuals.
But I think it is also upto the individual who is wanting to find the influencer to have clarity in their mind as to what the end result needs to be, keeping the personal values closely in check.
Tim . People have a choice. Thats what we have a brain for to make choices in our lives unless your mind is handicapped in some manner.
I think the challenge is to determine who you let into your space and who (rather mercenary) can be of influence and would be of influence to others that you wish to approach.
Sometimes one of those 80% of clients providing only 20% of your income can and should be within your 20% because they have influence in the market that you wish to approach.
Mind you I was harsh n the subject of those that are boring. I think we must be mindful that sometimes even those that give an impression of being boring actually will hold a real nugget which will give you a insight and clue.
I sometimes ask a question relating to a topic of intrigue or worldly understanding and then maybe the next day or the next month a person will give the answer. So always listen to what people have to say. There is always value in the perceptions of others
On the contrary Tim, when we mistakenly allow bad people, their habits and influence in to our lives, are you saying they can’t be purge?
Femi, according to the book and my own experiences, you can purge them but they always leave something behind, good or bad. There is always a residual.